Excerpt from How to Repair a Relationship After Cheating (According to 15 Experts) featured on UpJourney.
We like to blame the cheater for being wrong, but the truth is the cheated also contributed to the deterioration of the relationship. Whether you cheated or your partner cheated on you, the path to repair involves work from both parties.
Couples who weather the pain of infidelity together and come out stronger than ever often go through stages of blame, responsible action, and reconnection.
Blame is a natural way to deal with something that feels painful. It can provide a temporary salve to the sting of being cheated on—after all if it wasn’t your fault, you don’t have anything “wrong” with you or the relationship.
On the other side of the table, the cheater may blame the person on the outside or even their partner for neglecting them. Either way, blame is also a nice way to avoid responsibility and feel “in the right.”
Take responsible action — mend both the wound and the root cause of infidelity
After the dust has settled and you have each gotten your fair share of frustrations and tears, your next step is to take responsibility for the areas of the relationship that need help.
Responsible action involves finding some sense of forgiveness and doing the work to start mending both the wound of infidelity and the root cause of the infidelity.
Forgiveness is not a pass for the cheater. Forgiveness is a conscious decision to let go of feelings of resentment. If the idea of letting go seems risky—it is!
You both are essentially saying,
I am willing to try this again and will do my best not to hold the past against you, despite the fact that this puts me at risk of getting hurt again.
Ensure the affair is over and how to act if the affair partner reaches out
Now, there is at least a part of you that is willing to give your relationship another chance.
To address the wound of infidelity, you both will need to figure out how to ensure that the affair is over and what to do if the affair partner reaches out.
Determine what is needed to build trust
Next, you both need to determine what is needed to build trust with one another. This could mean that the cheating partner comes home immediately after work for a few weeks or months.
It could also mean that you and the cheater allow access to each other’s phones or has to complete more chores for a specified period.
Determine what needs are not being met in the relationship
The next part of responsible action is for each of you to determine what needs are not being met in the relationship. Possible needs include support, affection, intimacy, trust, time together, space apart, acceptance, validation, autonomy, security, prioritization, etc.
To take this a step deeper, you then have to decide on how the needs need to be met by the relationship and individually.
For example, if one person in the relationship is feeling like they are not being supported and validated by the other partner, then responsibility may break down like this:
- Relationally, you both may benefit from spending time listening to one another and learning how to validate one another.
- Individually, it may be helpful to find additional support outside of the relationship and to find ways to feel more confident about yourself so that you have support in validation from a variety of sources.
Throughout this entire process, you are practicing the process of reconnection and repairing trust. As you both continue to work on relational and individual needs, you will find ways to reconnect to better suit your evolving relationship.
After you start taking responsible action, you develop sustainable practices of reconnection that keep your relationship healthy.
Reconnection practices may look like setting a regular date night, creating a greeting ritual that makes you feel supported, or having space that allows you both to grow separately while supporting one another.
During reconnection, you both ensure that every area of the relationship is getting addressed and that you feel comfortable and safe with one another.
If the relationship betrayal was based on an affair that involved sex with another person, then find a way to have enjoyable sex for both parties. If the relationship betrayal was based on emotional intimacy, find a way to share vulnerably and allow one another to have friendships.
It is possible to have a better relationship after an affair.
Infidelity does not have to be the end of the relationship. In fact, it is often a sign that the relationship was in the trash well before the actual affair occurred.
As awful as this may sound, sometimes infidelity turns out to be the sign that was needed to force both partners into acknowledging that the relationship needed help. Nevertheless, this fact does not justify cheating.
Get help from a neutral third party
If this process seems long and arduous, it can be helped and shortened through the use of a relationship therapist or coach. Using a neutral third party to work through infidelity and relationship issues, in general, can help facilitate productive conversations rather than getting stuck in arguments that go nowhere.
Seeking help takes courage, but if you want to give your relationship another chance, you might be better off getting help before things deteriorate too much.
