Stressed-Out with Communication in your Relationship

Communication is the number one complaint I hear about when couples and partnerships seek therapy. Ever thought to yourself:

My partner:

• doesn’t listen
• won’t talk to me
• won’t shut up
• shuts down
• acts like nothing is wrong

When communication breaks down it can feel scary, numbing, lonely, painful, etc. More than that it also causes us to question our relationship and our very own being. How did we get here? Who am I anymore? Do they even love me? Do I even love them?

How can you improve your communication?

Aim for thoughtful communication

Often times when our relationships feel off we do and say things impulsively and we end up regretting our actions. In the heat of an argument do what you can to slow down and have a chance to say what you really want to say. When you have a moment in between arguments conversations, make sure you get clear on what is going on for you and what you would really like to share with your partner(s).

Plan for how to take a timeout

If you and your partner(s) escalate things to an uncomfortable, negative level, plan to take a time out before this happens. It can be helpful to pre-establish how long a time-out may last and identify where each party should go to during the time out. For example, one person might go to their home office and another may go for a walk. After 30 minutes or so you both check in with each other and determine if you need more time, would like to schedule talking about the issue for another day, or would like to resume discussion.

Take care of yourself

When one area of our lives starts to sink, often times other areas sink too. Be sure you are taking care of your needs. Maybe that means re-establishing your workout schedule, getting to sleep at a better time, or reconnecting with friends. You might also seek individual therapy to help you process what is going on with yourself and your relationship.

Remember non-verbal communication counts

Non-verbal communication are those cues our bodies give to others about how we are feeling and what we truly mean. Generally we read these cues without much additional thought and can forget that silence, crossed arms, increased personal space and distance, etc. are overlooked communications that sometimes make things much worse. Changing up our non-verbal communication can ease our discussions with our partner(s).

When should we seek out a couples therapist?

If it’s a floating question in your mind, then now might be the right time. Other indicators include feeling stuck or feeling as though you have tried everything you could. If you are looking for a couples and relationship therapist in New Mexico, contact us.

What if my partner(s) won’t go?

Individual therapy can help out your relationship. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing if you’re ready to try something, anything to get something different. Contact us for a therapist specializing in relationships in New Mexico.

Safety Check

If your communications escalate to emotional, verbal, and/or physical violence, we encourage you to seek help now. National Domestic Violence Hotline Call: 1.800.799.7233